Life

Some people call it placenta brain, the forgetfulness, the utter lack of reason and judgment and emotional stability that come with the blessed babe kicking inside your belly. My particular form of PB also includes a healthy dose of ADD. It really is quite unfortunate and seems to manifest itself at the most inopportune times. Like in the temple. I went to a session on Saturday for my dear friend Chantel who goes in for brain surgery tomorrow. I love her. I was determined to think happy thoughts for her the whole time. I prayed for all the things I could think of and then an extra prayer for the things I was sure I hadn't thought of but needed to be covered anyway. I was off to a good start.

And then I caught a glimpse that set it all in motion. My hands. The hands that are looking a little pudgy these days, wearing a pretty gold band in place of the wedding ring that no longer fits over the pudge. Which of course led me to looking down at my belly. The belly that was covered by a new white dress because my old one no longer fits. I could feel justified, I am pregnant, I reasoned. But this is your 4th baby and that same old dress seemed to fit just fine with babies 1-3, my sanity reasoned back. Hmmm... This of course led me to rehearsing my last OB appt. in my head. I almost cried as I stepped off the scale, the nurse looked at me sympathetically, all 100 pounds of her. When the doc came in I expressed my concerns over last months weight gain, he looked at the chart. Wow, the scale must be wrong, he declared as he grabbed one of my ankles, searching for the fluid retention that would undoubtedly explain the ballooning numbers. Nope. The scale has to be wrong, he assured me. Such a kind soul.

So there I was, in the temple, obsessing and obsessing. I even brought God into it all. Please, help me to stop gaining weight, help me to just stop eating, I don't need to gain any more weight, the baby can take some of what I already have, there's plenty, it's unhealthy, all this fat, please help me, please, please, please, please.... The emotional instability begins to manifest itself along with the ADD, such a nice pair. It almost becomes a chant, this chain of pleases inside my head, when suddenly I am jolted back to reality. People in the room shift as the prayer begins and the mood shifts with them. The feeling that enters the room is one of peace and contentment. All is well. Almost on cue, my baby kicks inside me, I catch a glimpse of Chantel's dark hair, perspective returns once more. There is more to it all than a number on the scale. There is life, that is why we are here at the temple, to pray for life, that is what I have prayed for all this year, the life inside me, the life of those I love, the joy of life.

As a side note to all my obsessing. I was "blessed" with the stomach flu the very next morning and have been barfing for the last 36 hours which has left me with no appetite and a much smaller number on the scale.