Christmas Wishes

Christmas is almost here. One week from today the house will be full of wrapping paper and cardboard boxes, piles of presents will line the couch, waiting to be put away or played with. And Christmas will be over. One short week. So I feel the pressure to enjoy it right now. This is the very best part, the anticipation. I remember it as a child, it seemed as if the day would never come. My brother and I would stay up late talking on Christmas Eve. If both of our doors were open just so, we could see each other in the reflection of my closet mirror. We would make a pact to stay up all night, trying to keep each other awake. We would talk about all the things we were wishing for, wondering, watching the clock slowly turn. And then we would fall asleep. Somewhere in between the wishes and the wondering one of us would doze. And that was that. We would wake up in the morning wondering what had happened. Until we remembered what morning it was. The excitement was  unbearable. We were not allowed to leave our rooms. So we would call out. Our parents took forever to come. When they did we were ready. We would run through the kitchen into a room filled with presents. Christmas was not small at our house. There was no holding back. We would tear into our stockings, tic tacs and chocolate coins, an orange in the toe. And then the presents. The tree, the couches, the hearth all spilled over with gifts. The ones we had been asking for, the ones we weren't expecting, piles of anticipation surrounded us. My memories are full of these Christmases. And they are wonderful.

And now I am here again. Another Christmas filled with anticipation and wonder. But this time I see it in the eyes of my children. They shake the presents under our tree. They tell Santa of their wishes. It seems to them as if Christmas day will never come. But it will. They will come down the stairs to a room filled with presents. They will get what they wished for and more. And they will have wonderful memories of this day. Which is good. But is it enough? The past week has been one of those weeks. The kind that gives you an entirely new perspective on life that makes you question the way you live it. Not because of anything that has happened to me, but because of things that have happened to others. I love getting Christmas cards. Catching up with old friends I never see. I got one of those cards this week. It was from a friend I met when we lived in Holladay. We had boys close to the same age. We were nursery leaders together. She was one of the nicest people I had ever met. We both moved away at the same time, she went to Midway, I came here. I opened her card yesterday and looked at the picture of her cute boys, she had three. And then I looked at the message she had written on the back. "Not sure if you saw on facebook about us losing Jake in July. Just wanted to mention that's the reason he's not in the pictures. If you want to know what happened you can go to our blog...Hope you have a great Christmas." I was stunned. Jake was 2 and he drowned at a family party they were at. He lived for 2 weeks at the hospital before they made the decision to take him off of life support. I cried and cried reading about their tragedy. Having to make a decision like that. How? Why? But they did. They are sad, she has her days. But looking through all of her blog entries between then and now there is not one trace of bitterness. In fact, it is full of hope and optimism. It is full of love. She loves her boys, the ones that are here and the one that is gone. She has faith that her Jake is in a better place. And that pulls her through. I can only imagine how broken her heart is, but she is not letting that stop her from living. And the way she is living is such an inspiration. It makes me want to be better. To grab hold of this beautiful life I have and live it like it should be lived. To make sure these kids of mine know that I love them. Not just that I love them, but that I love them. To make sure Jeff knows too. I think he does, but I could be better. And I guess that is just it. I could be better. I could be better at all of it every day. And especially at Christmas time. At this time when we are celebrating the birth of our Savior, a time when we should be thinking of him, acting like him. I could be better at it. I could stop focusing on the rush of the holiday and focus on the reason. My friend is a good example of that. To stop and be in the moment. To focus on what is really important, on who is really important. That is what this holiday is about. That is my Christmas wish.