Baby B

I always knew that we would have another baby. I had it all planned out in my head. When it would happen, what she would look like, what we would name her. It was all scripted out rather well. But sometimes life doesn't follow a script.

It started in January. I was 12 weeks pregnant with our fourth baby and all seemed to be going well. I was even feeling good which seemed like an added bonus. Turns out, it wasn't. I had a miscarriage at the end of the month. That may not seem like a big, life-altering thing to some, but it was to me. I was devastated. This life that was growing inside of me, the heartbeat I had heard, the little babe I had grown attached to, had made plans for, was gone. Just like that, gone. I was empty. I had never felt like this before, never actually been depressed. And there I was, for weeks, completely consumed with my grief. Surprised by the magnitude of it, wondering if I would ever feel normal again. Eventually I did, just a new kind of normal.

I would have had my baby this week. That thought makes me sad. Not the consuming kind, just a little blue about what might have been. A little sad that being pregnant isn't just the happy anticipation it once was, that it is now tainted with worry and fear But I guess life is like that. We have experiences that change us, that make us a little sad and sometimes a lot happy, but they alter the way we view life. And that can be a good thing if you let it.

I am pregnant again. Today I had my big ultrasound. And we are having another BOY. I was so sure it would be a girl, that was part of the script. But apparently I have been following the wrong script. Because I knew that whatever this baby was would be exactly what we were suppose to have. I just assumed that was a girl. You'd think I would have learned my lesson by now. Another little boy is part of our script. Huh. I am excited. A boy. Another little blonde head to keep track of, to chase after, to kiss goodnight. It finally seems real, finally seems ok to be excited. A BOY!!!!!!!!