Being a momma

My mom left on Tuesday. She was here for two weeks and she did the laundry and sewed new curtains and fixed the crib bumper and ordered take-out and loved my children. That's the best part, she love, love, loves my kids. They know it and I know it and it makes life so nice when she is here. Being loved is a lovely thing. And she is good at it. She was especially good at loving me when I was at home. Even when I was bratty and did naughty things and she was upset, I still knew that she loved me. A lot. It's a gift, that unconditional love. I always felt lucky to have it. I still do.

So when she left, I felt a little panicked. I was going to have to pick up the slack. I was going to have to be the momma again, all by myself. Make them feel loved, all by myself. And I was scared. Four kids are much harder than three. Especially for a hormonal, sleep-deprived, not so patient momma. Day one sucked. I had to go back to school that night and I spent the entire day dreading it. I seem to suffer from a healthy dose of seperation anxiety with my newborn babes and pulling myself away to go and teach for 4 hours is abnormally difficult. Hormones? Sure. I could blame my lecture on that too. I somehow got a week ahead of myself and lectured on the reading they will be doing for next week instead of the reading they did for this week. So they all sat and stared at me blankly with every question until I realized what had happened. Oops. Thursday was slightly better, some ups, some downs. Dead car battery, Brooks' two week appt., new jeans in a size that makes me want to cry, and a yummy dinner that I did not have to cook. And then today. Today gave me hope. All 5 of us went to Target and made it out alive. Then we went to a birthday party and spent the entire afternoon with some of our favorite people and it was so nice, so normal. There were no tantrums, no pouting, no crying, just a good time had by all. I even forgot to be nervous. So maybe I will get the hang of this. I just need to be patient, with my kids and with myself. Learn how to slow down a little. Breathe. Sleep...