Worry

Sometimes I get in one of those moods, the worrying kind. If you think about it long enough there are loads of things you could worry yourself to death with. What if Jeffrey's 2nd grade teacher is mean and crushes his spirit? What if Owen refuses to go to swimming lessons again this summer? What if the wrinkles in my forehead get worse? Can you be allergic to botox? Will Jeff survive firing one more person? What if, what if, what if?????? Nothing life altering. Just the everyday neuroses we all deal with. And I can deal with it. It's the bigger worries that, well, worry me. I usually tend to concentrate on one or two big ones and then let the little ones in every now and then when I have exhausted myself with the bigger issues. I have a couple that are especially big-ish and always on my mind of late. Jeff's dad was diagnosed with cancer last week. Just reading that sentence seems shocking to me, still. He has been sick for a month, longer really. He has not been well since he had pneumonia at Christmas. One thing after another, and then he started noticing blood in his urine about a month ago. First it was a kidney infection, they were sure. Antibiotics and then stronger ones, but still the blood. Finally last Weds. after dialysis he was ordered by his Dr. to go to the ER at the hospital. Tests and more tests. And then an ultrasound. I hate ultrasounds. I used to await them with such anticipation, after this year we have had, they scare me. This one was not good. It showed a large mass between his kidney and his liver. Renal cell carcinoma. It's common, his Dr.'s say. When an organ is not functioning, strange things can happen. A more precise CT scan shows that it is attached to the kidney, but not the liver. That is good. They will go in and remove the mass and his kidney and any surrounding tissue that it has grown into. It is treatable, they say. The best kind of cancer you can have, as cancer goes. Usually self-contained, slow-growing. His is the size of a small orange (slow-growing????). All kinds of reassuring language is exchanged, no chemo, very treatable, very hopeful, you will be just fine. But it terrifies me. The word cancer terrifies me. I watched this man go through hell and back as he tried to mourn the wife he lost to cancer almost 11 years ago. I watched this boy I loved try to live again after watching his mother die. It was sad. That is really the only word. So. Terribly. Sad. And I don't want it to happen again. I am still hopeful, I believe the Dr.'s, I have faith that he will recover. But the worry will not go away. I know what it would do to Jeff if things don't turn out the way we hope. Just thinking of it makes me cry. I love my father-in-law, I hate for him to be sick and in pain. And I worry. I miss the days when Owen refusing to go to swimming lessons consumed the worried corner of my mind. That's a good one to send me off to sleep with, swimming lessons are much more pleasant than cancer. And who knows, maybe this year he'll surprise me.