Two

Two. A small number, as numbers go. But it seems entirely too big today. Today my baby turns two. I woke up dreading it a bit. Two. Not dreading it for the reasons you might think. But rather because I know what it means. I have been through it twice before. My boys were two and now they are not. They are big and brave and not two. Boo. When Jeffrey was two and it was just the two of us all day we would play trains, watch cartoons, swing, take naps, eat pb&j, and generally enjoy life. We loved each other. Simple.

When Owen was two it was more of the same. Less napping, more playing, a little louder, a lot of fun. More love. But then they both got big. And don't get me wrong, I love them big (mostly) but it's different. When my babies are little there is a closeness that is almost tangible, you can taste it, feel it, breathe it. They were so much a part of me as I carried them inside me and somehow that closeness lingers for a time. Such a gift.

But then they grow up and that closeness changes, evolves. They become independent, they need me less, look to me less, and that is entirely as it should be. But it still makes me a little sad. I know that the closeness does not leave, it just becomes something different than it was. They have a life outside of me, they eat pb&j with someone else, play with someone else, I no longer know every detail of who they are. But I love the details. And I miss the intimacy that we once had when we were together every moment. There is still the closeness, just not the tangible taste of it.

I still have that with Paige. I love her. She loves me. Life has not entered into that yet. We are together every moment of the day, eating, playing, sleeping, driving here, running there. A little more complicated than it was with the boys, but happy. I look at this beautiful girl of mine who still feels so much a part of me and I don't want to let that go. I want to hold on to her and keep her small just a little longer. Two just seems too big to me today.