Thirty-one

We went to dinner at our friends house on Sunday. The kids play, we eat, we talk, we laugh. Good times. My favorite part is the conversation. Always completely random and honest, my favorite. As we were talking, the subject of adoption came up. The conversation went something like this: So and so's daughters friends friend is having a baby. What do you think? You're adpoted, what's your take? Should she keep the baby, should she not? And the answer is, I don't know. It seems like it should be simple, obvious. But it's not, it's complicated. And there isn't a right or wrong answer. And that's why it's so hard.

So the conversation has been on my mind the last few days. It's gotten me thinking about my life, what it could have been, what it was, what it is. And I still don't know how I feel. It's an emotional thing, for me, for everyone. We all have our reasons, our stories. And this is mine.

I always think of my birth mother on my birthday. It's the one day that I know she is thinking of me, wondering, remembering, hoping. On my 31st birthday, I sat up at night, wondering myself. And this is where it led me...

January 10, 2006

"Thirty-one years ago you were a scared little girl as I came into the world. Thirty-one years ago you had to make the hardest decision of your life...a decision that gave me life. A decision that made someone else's dream come true while yours lay broken on the floor. A decision that changed both of our lives in so many ways. And now thirty-one years later I think of you and wonder if you ever think of me. I think you must. I have babes of my own now and I know the way they consume my thoughts. You are still in your 40's, so young. And if I could say anything to you, all these years later, I would say thank you. Thank you for being so courageous, so selfless. For allowing the life you carried to grow inside you and then, most of all, for letting me go. I cannot imagine the pain you must have endured. But I do know it was worth it. My life has been full and good. You made the right decision, I'm sure you wondered that. I am a good person; strong, intelligent, loving. And you made all that possible, you gave me the greatest gift you could have, my life. And I have made it a good one. So, thank you. And know that thirty-one years later I still do think of you and I am grateful."

January 2006